


I Want To Be Good

by timewritesabook



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timewritesabook/pseuds/timewritesabook
Summary: When the summer ends and Oliver returns to the life that awaits him, he realizes all the ways that his life isn't enough.This is the story, after the story; of the parts that get left out of romance novels, the parts where people get to be imperfect, and fallible. This is the story of the years after the great summer romance, the years where he spends trying to be good, just so that perhaps one day, he will be worthy of love again.
Relationships: Oliver & Annella Perlman, Oliver & Elio Perlman, Oliver (Call Me By Your Name)/Original Character(s), Oliver/Oliver's Fiancée (Call Me By Your Name), Oliver/Samuel Perlman
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	I Want To Be Good

I leaned back into my airplane seat and tried to straighten my legs as the crew began the final round of announcements. This moment was the first in several weeks where I didn’t have all the space I needed to be me. I’m fairly certain this is one of those things that you never think of, but with all the things on my mind, I couldn’t take it as anything but a stark reminder of the way things used to be before Elio, and the way they had to be after him. 

In the weeks leading up to my trip, I spent a lot of time worrying about my stay – about how I was going to live with a group of strangers, and what I would do if they thought I was weird or a fake, and how I would maintain my professionalism whilst living in the same house as the professor’s family, and if I would be able to complete my dissertation on time, and how I would pay for all my expenses if I didn’t graduate on time. It also didn’t make any sense to me why someone as distinguished as Pro would accept someone like me as his summer resident. Sure, I had the grades, and I cared about my work, and I could talk to people, but he had no real reason to have chosen me. So many friends of mine at college had the same, if not more desirable qualities, and I’m sure they would have been just as good at organizing correspondence or assisting Pro as I had been. 

Maybe it had nothing to do with me, or my qualifications. Maybe the heavens just decided that my life was monotonous enough and that I needed to switch things up and try completing my dissertation halfway across the world. When I first arrived, I was constantly on edge. Everything seemed too good to be true. I knew Pro was an intelligent man, but he was kind in a way someone of his stature didn’t need to be. He could have been domineering, which would have just reiterated how stupid I really was, but he didn’t. He was kind, and he laughed, and he genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say.  
Of all the people I met this summer, Mrs. Perlman would have been Bubbe’s favorite. She was everything she would have wanted my mother to be. Just like Pro, she was intelligent, and generous, and brought warmth and joy wherever she went. If my mother were half the person Annella was, I would visit my parents more often. And finally, my Elio. I still can’t believe someone like him would love someone like me. I’m so unlike him – I don’t have a loving family, or childhood friends, or memories of summers spent reading and swimming, or even just a place where being who I am is okay or enough. 

During my first few days, I was confident that the moment I had learnt to expect was just around the corner – the moment the shoe would drop, and everyone would realize what an impostor I was, and the illusion would shatter, and they would ask me to leave, or worse, ask me to stay and live with the shame and humiliation that yet again, I had messed things up like I always do and that I was not who they wanted me to be. 

But it was as if I had moved to a strange, mystical land where the rules were all different. I was surprised when on the first day Elio offered to take my luggage upstairs; no one had ever offered to help me carry my luggage. When I went to the café to see if I could get in on a poker game, it worked! They let me in, and laughed and cracked jokes at my expense, and patted my back when I made money. Even Mafalda was nice to me. 

Initially, I was a little wary of how nice the professor and his family were being. It reminded me of the families we had dinners with growing up, where everyone disliked and disapproved of each other but put up with social niceties because it was what was expected of them. When I accidentally dropped the comment about making my way through college by playing poker, I had expected Pro to express displeasure, but instead, he complimented me for having a good head on my shoulders. 

Living in the same house, working with Pro, and watching the way everyone interacted with one another made me realize that it was real, that this was real, and that I didn’t have to be careful, or watch my mouth, or avoid taking up too much space. I could take the suit that was my real self out of the closet, dust it off, and try it on for the time I was there, and if things didn’t work out, I could always change into whatever was expected of me and pretend that this summer never happened. 

But then, Elio happened. I saw him, and I looked at him from a distance. I tried to keep my hands off him, and I tried to be good, but then, the feelings came, and I couldn’t resist it. I couldn’t resist kissing that mouth of his and running my hands through his hair. I couldn’t resist pulling him closer to me, as close as it was possible for two men to be and feel like every inch of my skin was on fire when he looked at me with those eyes. Maybe it was greedy of me, but no one had ever looked at me like that, and I was scared. I was scared that if I didn’t take the chance I was being given, that no one would possibly ever desire me the way he did. 

And now that I had taken the chance, and called him by my name, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of dread that my life was going to be irrevocably broken now. Earlier, when I didn’t know what life could be, I could go around pretending that the little I had was enough to sustain me, but now that I had tasted the stars, I would forever be reminded of all the ways my life would be lacking. That if I was a better, braver person, I would have chosen Elio, or found a way to keep him in my life, but Elio didn’t know, that deep down, in all the ways that mattered, I was a coward. I didn’t have the courage he had, and for that, I would never be worthy of him. He deserved someone who would hold his hand, stand on a stage, and announce to the world that he belonged to Elio. Not someone like me who would watch from the shadows and disappear before the lights turned on. 

This is the story, after the story; of the parts that get left out of romance novels, the parts where people get to be imperfect, and fallible. This is the story of the years after my great summer romance, the years where I spend trying to get rid of the dirty in me, just so that perhaps one day, I will be worthy of love again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm really excited to take you along with me on this journey. I hope it is as fun for you as it is for me. :)


End file.
